Wikia's Weird Mysteries/Pilot
Pilot 'is the first installment of Season One of Wikia's Weird Mysteries - launching the RPU - and the first episode ever. Episode Part 1/3 ''At the sunny River Peaks local cafe, there was Mandy Idek at her laptop, while her friend Crimmy Goyxe was eating burritos loudly. '''MANDY: omg can u pls stfu im trying to write something here? CRIMMY: SORRY IF MY BABY REG IS OUT OF TOWN BITCH I NEED DICKS MANDY: Too bad every guy in this town is gay af CRIMMY: Oh look here's a gay rn There comes Tom with his pink Polo top. TOM: So what are we talking about? CRIMMY: Cocks TOM: omg yassss love them MANDY: Crim here is just mad bc she is going to be a virgin for the weekend TOM: Hey my black hot boyfriend is a jock maybe there's a straight he may know CRIMMY: damn fine but if you turn him gay i swear to god There comes Claire with her basic outfit of the day. CLAIRE: '''What are we talking about today? '''MANDY: Some mystery bs I can't believe Principal Munsch just gave me this column for the school newspaper when I wanted to write about how to slay fake bitches Mandy style CRIMMY: Oh look here's a fake bitch rn There comes Angie with some weird environment T-shirt shit and dirty jeans. ANGIE: OMG MANDY HIII BAEE, SO WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE NEW EPISODE OF SCREAM QUEENS?!!!! OMG did you think Chanel is actually going to survive the Blue Octopus this time? I'm afraid not... MANDY: Bitch don't come close to me I have a restraining order against you ever since you invaded my apartment and stole its background you shady bitch ANGIE: I COULDN'T FIND IT ELSEWHERE OMG I DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO U DO U WANT ME TO SLIT MY WRISTS FINE I WILL! TOM: Sorry to interrupt your Razzie performance here but what the fuck are you wearing ANGIE: Umm fabulous Jordashes I stole from a corpse CLAIRE: Sounds famillia-- CRIMMY: CRICKET MANDY: Can you just get the fuck out of here Angie? ANGIE: IM GONNA MURDER MYSELF AND SPILL THE BLOOD ALL OVER YOUR WIKIA BACKGROUND IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT OMFG OMFG OMFG??!!!!!1!!1111!!!!1! Later, that night'', Crimmy is out on a date on a fabulous restaurant with Roger, a straight white guy with a heart of gold and killer abs.'' ROGER: I'm kinda nervous this is my first time I am being seen with a... girl, you know. CRIMMY: Yeah I know the gays can be very judgemental ROGER: Yeah I even pretended to be gay for a little while, me and Tom had this deal that he would tell everyone I was gay and pretend to have like a real relationship and I would fuck him twice a week, but every time that happened I was picturing I was fucking Margot Robbie or someone like that. CRIMMY: Umm I didnt ask for your life story tho, I just want to fuck ROGER: Just so you know I am a sophomore CRIMMY: Bitch idc and Im a sophomore too tf is your point ROGER: Expositon, but I gotta pee first CRIMMY: then go to the fucking bathroom tf After half an hour, Roger hasn't showed up... CRIMMY: OK TF I AM NOT PAYING THE BILL Crimmy runs away from the restaurant by putting her wigless turban so no one would reckognize her. The next day... Mandy wakes up from her beauty sleep and the door opens, revealing Lenhi her slave. MANDY: Bitch where's my lunch LENHI: tf i aint dealing with dat MANDY: btw I TOLD YOU TO WAKE ME UP AT 2 PM U CRAY BITCH LENHI: BITCH IM TRYNA HELP YOU WITH THE SHITTY COLUMN YOU WRITE ON THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER, TURN ON YOUR GLAMOROUS 4K TV Mandy turns on her glamorous 4K TV. CHANEL: Hi everyone, and welcome to SQ spin-off actual news show, CHANEL'S NEWS, starring me, Chanel, now it seems that SQ has dropped to like 4 ppl actually watching the show, so we are talking bringing Lady Gaga into it, so we ask the gays, is she still relevant or not? Ask us on Twitter because we are COOL WITH THE KIDS! oh and btw all of the straight sophomores from River Peaks have dissapeared including Chuck Clayton yes Tom he was still straight and he was still banging that shady basic bitch down the block called Jennifer we now return to Santa Clarita Diet SHEILA HAMMOND: IM GONNA FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT Mandy turns off her glamorous 4K TV. MANDY: SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THERE IS A WEIRD MYSTERY GOING AROU--- Oh wtf am I doing with my life honestly Suddenly Mandy hears a gay scream. GAY SCREAM: OMG CHUCK WAS STILL STRAIGHT THAT SHADY SON OF AN ALICE COOPER Part 2/3 Crimmy, Claire and Tom had all been asked by Mandy to meet at her house. MANDY: Before I start, Tom what the fuck are you wearing? Tom stands up with his black turban. TOM: The reason that I'm wearing this turban is because-- CRIMMY: I AM WIGLESS YASS QUEEN Tom and Crimmy high-five. MANDY: Ok, so I'm sure you know all of you have heard in the local news that all the straight guys from River Peaks have dissapeared-- Tom runs out of the room crying, and you can suddenly hear a gay scream from the bathroom. TOM: I NEED SOME DRAMATIC TOILET PAPER TO CLEAN MY TEARS MANDY: So I suggest we start doing some shit to figure out who this person behind the dissapearance is. Suddenly Crimmy receives a phone call from Reg. CRIMMY: Reg is calling me! MANDY: Wait... Reg is from River Peaks and he's straight! CALL HIM! Crimmy accepts the phonecall and puts it on speakers. CRIMMY: BITCH WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU REG: I don't have much time, she's coming! CRIMMY: Please don't tell me your cheating on me with your Margot Robbie posters again REG: CRIMMY THIS IS FUCKING SERIOUS I AM IN DANGER THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL ALL THE STRAIGHT GUYS Suddenly Tom barges in. TOM: DID MY BABY CHUCK ALREADY GET KILLED REG: He was actually the first one to die TOM: OMGGGG Tom leaves the room on a dramatic run. REG: I GOT TO LEAVE BUT PLEASE, SEND HELP CRIMMY: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU THO REG: STRAIGHT--- The phonecall ends. MANDY: I'm sorry wtf is this? CLAIRE: We need to warn the police ASAP CRIMMY: Please Claire, it's the police, they are all gone and the ones that aren't, no one trusts shady gay cops. MANDY: Reg did say something about straight... CLAIRE: Well they are all stra-- MANDY: GIVE ME A MURDER WALL I GOT SHIT TO SOLVE. Everyone rushes to Mandy's Murder Wall room. MANDY: So the clues we have are: all the straight males from River Peaks have been apparently kidnapped, and the killer is apparently a she, and this person is killing these teens. Now, tell me, why does one kill someone? CLAIRE: Because they betrayed you on TOS? CRIMMY: Because they shot you on Roblox? RYAN MURPHY: Because someone killed their parent some long ass time ago? LEA MICHELE: omg ur so smart RYAN MURPHY: You are my leading lady ANGELA: WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT LEADING LADY Mandy bitchslaps all of them and hides them in the Irrelevant Closet. MANDY: All of these motives have one thing in common: revenge. AND WHO COMMITS REVENGE THE MOST? That's right: SHADY GAYS/FEMINISTS/BUSINESS EXECUTIVES/GR8 GRANDFATHERS IN THE MAPLE SYRUP BUSINESS. Mandy and Crim then went to work, questioning everyone in the town. RICKY: Hi bitch MANDY: Did you kill a bunch of straight men from River Peaks? RICKY: Armpits Ricky ran away. CRIM: Hi Wubbzy WUBBZY: Ugh still trying to recover from that DOS finale, this shit is so dumb compared to Scream am I right? Like Cricket is annoying as fuck I didn't even-- Wubbzy gets stabbed in the neck, while Crimmy runs away. WUBBZY: I AM REPORTING YOU Meanwhile... MANDY: Umm JIGGERITA: So are you interested in the sock business? MANDY: GTFO ANGIE: DO YOU WANT TO QUESTION ME TOO? MANDY: UMM I THINK THE FUCK NOT After the random questioning, Crimmy and Mandy are sitting at the cafe... MANDY: This is rude, everyone is such a retard I can't even ask serious questions without being horrified CRIMMY: Same but we need to find suspects. Meanwhile Mandy notices Ulises and his girlfriend Versace, making out. MANDY: Well that's strange, all straight people have dissapeared but our little friend Ulises who is reportedly straight is making out with Versace... CRIMMY: I knew he was gay af MANDY: Wait, or is he? Mandy grabs Ulises by his shirt and takes him to the girls bathroom. VERSACE: Umm what? CRIMMY: omg no way I am not dealing with you VERSACE: Sorry but I'm too classy to be seen next to yo--- CRIMMY: BITCH YOU'RE GOING DOWN Crimmy jumps off and brings Versace down and they start catfighting. In the bathroom... MANDY: Ok you lying sack of a bitch? Would you care to explain to me why are you still here in River Peaks even though you are supposedly straight? ULISES: Mandy... you smell great what's your perfume? Mandy bitchslaps Ulises. ULISES: ALRIGHT QUEEN I WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW! This is all I know. I was at the cafe when the burrito I had eaten at lunch gave me diarrea and I went to the bathroom. But out of nowhere, I hear someone enter in a suspicious gay voice. FLASHBACK UNKNOWN GAY VOICE: Ok I don't think there is anyone here, so we can talk in privately. DEMONIC VOICE: So what's that thing that you want me to do? UNKNOWN GAY VOICE: I want you to get revenge on Chuck Clayton and all of his buddies. DEMONIC VOICE: You know this will cost you a price right? UNKNOWN GAY VOICE: UGH FINE, I CANNOT WATCH ARMPIT PORN ANYMORE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! CUTS BACK TO PRESENT MANDY: Holy shit, so you mean that the culprit was... ULISES: A GAY PERSON! MANDY: 'omg just get the fuck out of here ''Mandy kicks Ulises out of the bathroom with her fabulous pair of Gucci flip flops. '''MANDY: I should have known it was that Mexican trash... Ricky. Part 3/3 TOM: So let me get it straight-- CLAIRE: That's impossible. TOM: Ricky was behind the kidnappings all along? Mandy, Claire, Tom and Crimmy were all together at Mandy's house again. MANDY: Yep. CLAIRE: But here's something I don't get. If Ricky is behind all of this, then who was the female Reg was talking about? MANDY: I mean depending on the lightning and the possibilty Ricky was probably cosplaying as Ariana Grande to hide his identity... CRIMMY: But according to Ulises, Ricky was not alone, it was some other quote on quote "demonic voice". MANDY: ONE FUCKING MYSTERY AT A TIMEEEEEEE MANDY: Now we know who the culprit is so fuck all of you we are trapping Ricky and killing him. CLAIRE: And how are we going to free the straight guys? MANDY: TO THE MURDER WALL ROOM! They all fucking teleport to the Murder Wall Room. MANDY: Well, let's examine the two cases: Reg and Roger, Reg was out of town and Roger was on a date. Now what's the place all straight guys love to go to? CLAIRE: '''Casinos...? '''CRIMMY: STRIP CLUBS YOU DUMB BITCH MANDY: Exactly, strip clubs! SO ALL OF THE STRAIGHT GUYS MUST BE HIDDEN IN A STRIP CLUB! So here's the plan: we are going to divide each other in two groups: Tom and Claire are going to distract Ricky while me and Crimmy save the orphans with mommy issues. Later, at night... You can hear crying from the Strip Club basement. RICKY: SHUT UP OR I WILL START SINGING Everyone shuts the fuck up. Behind the strip club... CLAIRE: Are you sure this is gonna work? TOM: OBVIOUSLY! Tom steps into the dark night light, dressed as... Ariana Grande. TOM: ohhhyeaahhhohohhh CLAIRE: omg queen Tom and Claire break into the strip club. RICKY: OMG NO WAY FBI IS FUCKING LOOKING FOR ME IM GOING TO KILL YOU CRAZY HO--- CLAIRE'' (dressed as a red-head basic bitch)'': OMG ITS HER, ARIANA GRANDE! Tom comes out and starts twerking as Ariana, while Ricky's armpits start to cry. RICKY: OMG FUCKIGNA RINAAGR ANDE I AM UR BIGGEST FNANANNFRFO SEXICTIED OMGFUCKGINGSFGN LICK ME TOM: I am Ariana Grande and I am ohhoooyeahhhhh *high notes* RICKY: My queen! TOM: Me and my red head basic bitch assistant-- CLAIRE: wow TOM: CAN YOU FUCKING START INTERRUPTING ME FOR JUST ONE SECOND YOU CRAZY BITCH RICKY: I'm sorry do you want me to kill her? TOM: tf no RICKY: Sorry I ever made the suggestion my dearest Suddenly, you hear noises from the basement. STRAIGHT NOISES: HEY LOOK IT'S TOM? Ricky looks at Tom and he gets all nervous. RICKY: OMG how could they compare you to that gay faggot wannabe? I will shut them up in a sec! CLAIRE: Oh shit fuck Claire grabs on her Winx walkie-talkie. CLAIRE: We need back-up Tom is about to go on his crazy gay rant At a dark alleyway... CRIMMY: WE HAVE TO GO THERE FAST TOM IS ABOUT TO REVEAL HIMSELF AND RUIN THE FUCKING PLAN MANDY: omg that gay cunt i told you he was unstable bc of chuck but you just kept ignoring me and shit-talking wubbzy--- CRIMMY: DOS IS AN AMERICAN CLASSIC SO FUCK YOU Back at the strip club... TOM'' (very suspiciously gay angry)'': I DONT KNOW WHO THE FUCK THIS TOM IS BUT HE SEEMS SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU RICKY: Wait... Ariana, what are you doing? TOM: ARE YOU FUCKING SAYING THAT I AM A GAY FAGGOT WANNABE? RICKY: NO THEY WERE, THEY WERE COMPARING YOU TO THE LOCAL GAY TRAGIC BITCH TOM TOM: WELL GUESS WHO THE FUCK IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU BITCH RICKY: SO IT WAS YOU SHIT HEAD ALL ALONG, GOTTA SAY... YOU LOOK AT LEAST PRETTIER WITH YOUR DRAG MAKEUP ON TOM: YOU LITTLE BITCH Ricky and Tom catfight and Claire opens the basement door, allowing Roger to leave, but Ricky notices this and grabs a mythological powerful knife and stabs Claire in the thigh and shuts the door, but Tom kicks him to the wall and helps Claire get out of the strip club. Ricky grabs another knife and runs in the direction of Tom and he runs to the roof. Just when Ricky is about to stab Tom and kick him, someone shows up. RICKY: Mandy? Queen? MANDY: '''One word. '''MANDY: Bitch. Ricky then falls to the ground and gets impaled. MANDY: Well, now all the straight people are free and Ricky is dead, another week of success. Sure there are other mysteries lurking around, but who cares, I got what I wanted, a damn good mystery. Cuts to Claire, healing her mythological knife wound, and suddenly something weird happens to her, and she faints.Category:"Wikia's Weird Mysteries" Episodes Category:"Wikia's Weird Mysteries" Season One Episodes